Heart to heart: respect! – Pattaya Courier

Dear Hills,
I have been reading your advice for many years. I think you must be at least 110 by now. Or are you two? Twins maybe? I just wanna know who you are. What about dinner one night? I could even stretch to a bottle of champagne.
Well

Dear disrespectful Ben,
How old am I? The Pattaya Mail has been around for 28 years, which would make me 48 if I started in my 20sand birthday. I am not a conjoined twin. I know enough to be well behaved in public and address people by their correct name. Since it’s not, you must be at least 10 years old by now. Grow up and come back to me in 28 years.

Hillary gets bubbles and chockies for New Years
Dear Hillary,
I came to your office to get you bubbles and chocolates for New Years, but the reception staff said you were missing “outside”. You were in the paper this week, so you can’t have gotten far. Did the staff make sure you received your New Years gifts, thank you very much.
Eugene

Dear Eugene,
Sorry I wasn’t there when you called, but since I live across the busy street, it takes me a while to cross over and get to work. I asked the editor to find me an office across the street, but he told me running in four lanes of traffic would be good for me and keep me healthy. He would say anything to annoy me, he knows how crippled I am, locked in the broom closet he makes me use as an office.

How do I get my car back?
Dear Hillary,
We parted ways and she took the car saying it was hers. I bought the thing with my money, so I believe it’s mine. I just wanted to pick it up, as I have the spare key, but it’s far away in Esarn, and my local friends who have been here for a few years say give it a go. The saying goes, “What’s mine is mine”, don’t you agree?
Rob

Dear Rob,
You listen to all the wrong people. You don’t get the right legal advice when you’re sitting on a bar stool. The quote might be just for the western world, but here it’s more, “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.” This is a legal issue, my Petal, so be prepared for legal fees, several months (and even years in some cases) and the car won’t be worth much in the end. In the future, enter into a rental agreement with her responsible for the monthly payments. If she jumps, the financial company will chase her.

Hillary on TV?
Dear Hillary,
Oh Hillary, keep up the good work. Your column is… hilarious. The common theme we all enjoy is that of the lonely, unwashed, flatulent imbecile social outcast, who has carefully avoided women for his 55 years since mom kicked him out, suddenly retires to Thailand, and waits to “find a good wife” in the dark recesses of Walking Street, despite reading the plethora of warnings from those who have been there and lost. Then, after being cleaned up, thrown to the curb, he writes to you, begging forgiveness for his ignorance. It’s too funny… comedy gold.
J.W.

Dear JW,
Oh, the gold! I had never thought of it before – selling the column to the makers of Thai soap operas on television. The main players are all the same – the “good girl” who gets ignored, while the “bad girl” takes the innocent sap money. But you know the end. Sap finds out about the villainess and her schemes and discovers that the “good girl” has been waiting patiently. Quite a bit like Cinderella without the glass slippers. For the annual get-together of broken souls, I have to remember to roll myself in a pumpkin. Thanks for the good idea!

The dowry of the 25 satangs.
Dear Hillary,
How often should I read about dots? The most recent was 300,000 baht for a previously married woman with one child. Come on, it’s 2022, not 1022. You only hear about dowry from poor people in the Northeast who can see an opportunity to get Thai whiskey from some poor dumbass. Village marriages are not even accepted in Thai law, so why waste 25 satangs on this nonsense. It’s not a Thai custom today, especially as the Thai government is pushing for Thailand 4.0.
Jeans

Dear John,
You are so right Petal. To all the men, if your girlfriend suggests that a dowry is the next step in the wonderful relationship, start running around saying “Thank you Hillary (and John)”. If there’s anything I’d like to be remembered for, it would be for removing dots. Unfortunately, there seems to be an endless supply of foreign men with too much money and an endless supply of young women from the Isaan region willing to take on the heavy task of freeing the foreign man’s wallet.


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